The Arkham Rat: The Bat, the Cat, and the Rat

Hello, hello, hellooo, and welcome to the first ever issue of the Arkham Rat, written by me, Mr. J, everybody’s favorite clown prince of crime.

And, I do hope you read that in Mark Hamill’s near perfect imitation of yours truly. I really do find that he’s the best.


You’re surprised I know about that?

You’re surprised to know that I know about you?

What? Did you think the “merc with a mouth” was the only character to hear voices. I’m the Joker, the clown prince of crime; I’m known for being insanity made flesh. And, you think I don’t hear voices.

Hahahaaaa. What a laugh!

Do you really believe you’re any more real than I am? Have you never questioned your existence?

You should.

It gives you a wonderful break from the boring, dreary world of sanity.

I seem to be digressing though.

I do that from time to time. Drone on and on with seemingly no point to what I’m saying. Some might call it monologing, where I go over my mad plans in excruciating detail whilst giving the Bat, or whatever other do-gooder is at hand, time to break free from the trap I’ve caught them in.

Oh, who am I kidding? Well thought out plan…


That’s a real good one. Punchline turned out perfect too.


I’m digressing from my digressing.

Just call me the clown prince of digression!


So, the point.

There was one.

At one point.


The title. The point had something to do with the title… I don’t remember what the title was. I had that written down somewhere around here.

Aha! I found it! The Bat, the Cat, and the Rat! It was meant to be a lovely piece about the defiling of Gotham’s PG rated rooftops.

The Cat has a thing for a certain Bat, and the feelings are obviously reciprocated. Hehehehe. I’m betting that’s why the Cat’s presence has never graced the halls of Arkham Asylum. I’ve never seen her at the very least. Of course I hardly ever see anyone. They don’t let me out of my cell, and they barely let me up off of my bed. They’re convinced I’m a danger to the other patients. I don’t know what would give them that impression. Hahahahaaa…

I’m surprised they gave me a pencil.

Although, I know a little magic trick I think I’ll show one of the guards later.

Hmm… will have to file that one away.

But, I’m digressing again! Ha!

I’ll round back to the point now by saying I don’t know how they’re managing to keep their identities such a secret. What, with all the pleather, leather, and body armor flying about. And, just how in the name of me does he get that bloody breast plate off without taking off the cowl. I’ve hit that thing before… it just happens to be extremely hard. Nearly broke my hand. Note to self; aim for the head next time. Second note to self; use a gun, don’t punch him. Third note to self; but I don’t want to kill him. Fourth note to self; he’s the Bat, living or dead, hitting him is going to hurt. Hmm… well I guess you do have a point there. Fifth note to self; a crow bar is always an option. You sir, are a devious devil. Hahahahaaaa…

Anyway, they’re shutting the lights off for the night, and I won’t be able to see my hand in front of my face. For some reason they think I might try to escape if I had a room with windows. So, for now, I shall bid you adieu and good night. Don’t sleep too tightly though, you never know what Jokers might be dancing through your dreams.


Disclaimer: I would like to state that Batman, the Joker, Catwoman, and all references to Gotham City and Arkham Asylum are the intellectual property of DC comics. They are used here purely for entertainment purposes without any thought towards financial gain. Any other likenesses, celebrity names and the like, are used purely in a humorous and satirical fashion. There is no intent to hurt or harm anybody’s reputation or business.


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