Work, Work, Work

It’s what we do all day long,
Toil away to the sound of the gong,
Beats and breaks men who are so strong,
It proves they’re incredibly wrong.

Talk on the phones all night,
Fixing tech issues, try as I might,
Up until the break of first light,
God, I know this isn’t right.

My sanity is breaking under the stress,
My life is constantly filled with duress,
All I want is a tender caress,
Something to help me out of this mess.

Work, work, work,
All it really does is make me a great big jerk.


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Daily Stats: 9/1/18

So, I’ve come up with an interesting idea. Yesterday I published a poem titled One Year From Today, and I have to say I’m absolutely honest about that resolution. I’ve come to the final breaking point in my life. Now, I’m going the other direction as quickly as I can. To work in my favor and maybe provide a little motivation, I’m going to keep track of all my basic activities. The ones that I feel will be most helpful in getting me to the point where I can find that new person and burn away all this mental mange. And, because I’m a glutton for punishment, I’m going to do all of this publicly. That’s right folks, I want you all to hold me publicly accountable for these actions. I also want you all to serve as my evidence.

Here’s what my list of stats is going to look like:

Stat List for 9/1/18

Walk: Distance 1.31 miles; Duration 00:29:34
Meditation: 5 sessions, 10+ minutes each
Poem A Day: Yes
Blog Post: Yes
Short Story Saturday post: No
The Goal That Shall Not Be Named: Yes
Homework: Way Behind

The stat list will vary pretty regularly, as there’s going to be variation in what’s being posted on the blog and such, and I’ll add in whether I’ve been doing any creative writing or not, such as adding a line that specifically says word count.

Just to make out a total list:

Poem A Day
Blog Post
Multiplicity post
Super Sonnet Sunday post
Short Story Saturday post
Stats post
The Goal That Shall Not Be Named
Word Count
Time Spent Writing Creatively
Blog Stats Weekly post
Blog Stats Monthly post

I decided another good thing to track would be the stats for my blog, and maybe throwing a shout out to those of you who want to follow my insanity.

Ryan S. Kinsgrove


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The Poet: One Year From Now

One year from now,
I’ll be unrecognizable,
Don’t ask how,
I’m more than capable.

I’m going to change,
The old me is dead,
I’ll burn away my mental mange,
And, seal it in a tomb of lead.

Don’t doubt me,
I’m behind this with all my heart,
Just wait and see,
Success will be my primary part.

I can succeed without a doubt,
I will succeed, I’ll tout it out.

Ryan S. Kinsgrove


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Inspiration: We’re All Victims of Instant Gratification

I know I should be writing Step 2 of my outlining series, but I kind of got caught off guard by this topic today. And, it is something that I want to talk about. Primarily because I know I’m a victim of instant gratification. I can almost guarantee you, that you are too.

(I also wrote a bad poem titled: Victim of Instant Gratification)

In a world where messages are instant, don’t you want everything else to be too. In the age of the internet, people have lost the understanding of what it means to work for something. Open up a web browser and BAM! the whole world is at your fingertips. Any piece of information you want can be accessed almost instantly. There is no waiting involved. As evidence of this point, I just did a google search for “instant gratification”, the response from Google was: “About 13,900,000 results (0.41 seconds)”. Do you know how short an amount of time .41 seconds is. I’ll tell you. Its less than the amount of time it takes you to blink. My finger had barely left the ENTER key before the page with the search results populated. Now tell me, if that’s not instant gratification, what is?

This is a problem for the world though. Why? Because it has created a generation of the ultra entitled. Countless people, the world over, believe that they’re entitled to everything that exists, and they’re entitled to it right now, just because they’re alive. I know this first hand. Why? Because I was one of them. I’m trying though, I’m learning to be better than that.

Nothing in this world is instant and worth having. To truly understand the value of a thing you have to have worked for it. To enjoy the success of some venture, you must have invested something into it. You must put your body, mind, heart, and soul into the process to acquire the McGuffin. Why? Because the world requires balance. You can’t have the good without the bad. And you have to have experienced the bad, the worst in fact, to understand the beauty of what it is you’ve accomplished.

Let’s take blogging as a short example. I’ve tried blogging on and off for the last ten years or so. Most often I’ll get about a month into it and give up. Why? It’s the instant gratification factor involved.

Building a successful blog takes time. It takes time to build an audience. It takes time to understand the different factors that are going to help your blog grow. You have to learn certain techniques to truly get things moving, and it takes time to learn those things. Search Engine Optimization (SEO for short) is not a skill that develops overnight. There are plenty of other factors as well. What type of content are you producing? How many people are interested in said content? Is it quality content? Do you know what you’re talking about? If you don’t know what you’re talking about, are you at least doing a good job of explaining the way you’re going about learning about this topic? And, this list could probably go on for hours.

Now, here I come expecting everything to be handed too me on a satin pillow, and, much to my surprise, I’ve had little to no traffic in the time a month has gone by. I feel like I’ve worked my heart and soul out, bleeding all over the keyboard as I’m doing it, and I’ve got nothing in return. So, at that point I would give up. I would never look past that, and not even try to understand what was happening. I wouldn’t look into learning how to do other things to help drive traffic, or improve the quality of my content, or really understand anything about how to build a blog. I just expected it to be super easy for me because I’m “ME” (and, yes, at the time I would think about myself in all caps). I’m trying to learn the difference this time.

I’m about four or five days into this attempt at blogging, and this time I’m determined to be successful. I’m not going to let the lack of instant gratification get to me, rather I’m going to understand that nothing comes without hard work and determination. Dedication and discipline are a requirement in this field. I’m also going to look at studying marketing and SEO and a hundred other things that are related to building a blog. I want to make a living as a writer, so I need to build an audience. A blog is one of the best ways to do that. Now, I just need to learn to be patient enough to put in the time and effort required to build it.

Come to think of it now, I might actually try to do something somewhat entertaining. (At least the thought of it to me is entertaining.) I believe I’ll track the progress of my blog both here on WordPress and on Medium (and maybe Blogger if I decide to revive that blog, though I’m basically just posting the same content on all of them.) Tracking the progress of the blog will go a long way towards helping me build the blog and understand how this unique online world works.

Anywho, I feel like I’m rambling, and have totally lost the thread of thought that was the impetus to this post. I’ve also got about a hundred other things I need to do on my day off. So, I’ll be signing off here. Have a good one.

Ryan S. Kinsgrove


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Check out my premium Medium post- Multiplicity: It’s All In Your Head


Multiplicity: How Many Alters Do You Have and What Are They Like?

Inspired by a question on Quora.

The smart ass in me wants to start this answer with more than one, less than a hundred. But, that’s neither here nor there. To be honest I’ve never done an exact count, its a number that always seems to shift as I’m always finding more. So, to rephrase the question in a way that makes sense for me: How many of your others are active, and what are they like?

To answer that question I’ve got four who are the most active: Kain, Khitti, Xarathiel, and Isaiah. Of the four of them Kain is the only adult. The other three are children. I have lots of inner children (that’s probably why I never want to grow up).

Khitti is probably my most active personality. She is a four year old who is extremely talented mathematically. Without my brain in the way the little girl can do calculus in her head. She wants me to find advanced algebra workbooks like they’ve got the basic math workbooks for normal children. (If you happen to know of a place to get something like that let me know in the comments.) Other than math her current obsession is Skyrim. If I were to let her she would spend every waking moment playing the game. She loves My Little Pony, Princess Luna and Fluttershy are her favorites. Her favorite Disney movie is Tangled with Frozen being a close second (I’ve seen both of those movies upwards of forty times now, and she’ll start randomly singing the songs in my head at the most inopportune times). I love my little Khitti, and I don’t know what I’d do without her.

The next most active is Xarathiel, we call her Z for short. She’s probably around fourteen in age and is a total girly girl. I’m honestly surprised I haven’t woken up with blonde hair extensions, a manicure, a pedicure, and a lovely and frilly pink dress. She also knows I would never let her out again if that happened. Inside she spends her time drawing (I wish I had one-tenth of her talent), reading, and playing pranks on the other others. (Namely by turning them different colors.) She also likes My Little Pony and her favorite is Twilight Sparkle. When I let her out around other people her favorite thing to do is make them play a guessing game of sorts. She’ll pretend to be me, but will drop hints here and there trying to keep the person she’s talking to off kilter. She has a blast with it, and I admit I find it entertaining.

The next most active is Kain. In a way he’s my guardian angel and my ideal self all rolled into one. He’s been around the longest, wearing different names and faces as I grew up, but he was always there trying to protect me. Now he’s my biggest cheerleader. He knows what to say and when to say it. He knows when to call me out on shit. I feel like he’s perfect, and I’ve always wanted to be him. He’s everything I’m not. (Right now he’s facepalming and muttering ‘I’m far from perfect’ under his breath.)

The fourth most active personality is Isaiah. He’s a little boy probably about eight years old. He’s got a speech impediment due to surgery he’d had done on his throat (I might write more about that in a different post), and his absolute favorite thing in the world is soft serve ice cream. And, ice cream sandwiches. He said I can’t leave that out.

So, that’s pretty much my most active group. Later on I might go and write a post for each of them. But, I”m going to call it quits for now.

If you have any questions feel free to ask them in the comments section.

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Have You Ever Tried To Reprogram Your Brain

Computers are easy to handle,
Compared to the mind,
A computer can be changed quick as a candle,
The reset butt on the mind is much harder to find.

Windows screws up,
Time to reformat,
Download the backup,
Catch up on chitchat.

Mental breakdown,
Years of therapy,
Constantly run-down,
Always denied serenity.

Have you ever tried to reprogram your brain?
I’ve tried and tried but can’t see any gain.


Multiplicity; The Act of Being Many

Have you ever had one of those secrets that defines your whole life. Your every waking moment is spent within the cocoon of that secret and you’re absolutely terrified of what will happen when it comes time to shed the cocoon and let every one in on your little (figuratively speaking) secret.

I know a lot of people have felt this way in the past. Many of them have been people hiding their sexual preference and finally coming out of the closet. Other undoubtedly feel this way about revealing the gender they identify as. For me, though, it’s something just as extreme, something that has just as much impact in my eyes as either of those reveals.

And, now I’m standing here on the stage with all the lights aimed at me. I can feel the glare baking my skin. The heat has soaked my collar in sweat. I swallow, and take a step closer to the edge of the stage.

Now that I have your attention… here’s my biggest secret: I have multiple personality disorder.

There are many other individuals who share my body and my life. We laugh together. We cry together. We dream together. And, I won’t hide them anymore.

Now, let’s take a careful look at a few factors. Multiple Personality Disorder technically isn’t the correct diagnosis for the disorder anymore. The correct diagnosis is Dissociative Identity Disorder. And, I’ll be straight up honest with you, I don’t like either of those classifications for what this is. And for more truth I’ve got to say I don’t have a de facto diagnosis from a doctor. This isn’t because I haven’t been tested and made my psychologist and psychiatrist well aware of the situation. The reason I don’t have the official diagnosis is because I refuse to be treated for it.

To me the others aren’t a disorder that needs to be heavily medicated and locked away. They are a part of me. A part of my everyday life. They are an accepted part of me, a package deal, and nothing anyone says is going to change my mind. My life wouldn’t be the same without them.

To me it’s not a disorder or condition with negative ramifications.

To me it is multiplicity; the act of being many.